I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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