I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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