i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
