He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
