I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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