I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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