how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
