It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We don't watch enough power rangers
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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