This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize