I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
