I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize