The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize