Pants 0. Shit 1.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
