Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
