I'm going to rape someone's good day.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
