Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
