Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
