The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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