I met the friendliest cop last night
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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