Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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