Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm like, not good at living.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
