I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
