My underwear smells like fireworks.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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