dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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