I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
