you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
