Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
