I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
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