Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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