you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
