Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
