I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we're making bets on your personal life
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
