Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
