I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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