this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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