It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
