Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize