I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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