Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
