My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
