I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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