was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have feelings that need drinking.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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