Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he puts the penis in happiness.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
