Will you blow on my dice?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
