Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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