a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
