I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
