lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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