A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
