brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
