It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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