from now on my penis is your penis
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
