Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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