I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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