Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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